


Hope In Understanding

by BoldlyFrosty



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: F/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:14:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22138414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoldlyFrosty/pseuds/BoldlyFrosty
Summary: It started as a way to cope, to ease some of the hopelessness that she'd tried so hard to bury.
Relationships: Evfra de Tershaav/Female Ryder | Sara
Comments: 7
Kudos: 26





	Hope In Understanding

**Author's Note:**

> Comments welcome and appreciated. This is the first thing I've written or posted. It may be very slow to update as I've only got a small amount written at the moment and a general idea of where I'd like to take this. But I wanted to get a sense of how the writing is received. So definitely subscribe if you'd like to stay updated and thank you for stopping by to read!

The first thing Sara became aware of was the wind lashing across her face. For one delirious moment she wished Scott would have remembered to close the windows. But then she opened her eyes.

Pure panic burst in her veins. Sara flung herself to her hands and knees so quickly that the ringing in her ears pitched sharply. Swaying dangerously to one side, she nearly collapsed back to the ground. One hand reached for her helmet to assess the damage only for her armored fingertips to smash into her bare cheek. Her visor wasn’t cracked, it was _gone_.

With a shaky hand, she fingered the shattered edges of it. When her hand pulled away it was covered in blood. In shock, she instinctively sucked in a deep breath without thinking. At once, her chest seized painfully and her vision tunneled. Vertigo overcame her and she collapsed back to the ground in a heap, rolling over so she was looking up at the turbulent sky. _What do I do? What do I do?_ Fear gripped her as her fingers twitched uselessly by her sides. Training, she needed to remember her training. Sara was a soldier and a good soldier never panicked.

But what could she do? The damage was too severe. She couldn’t fix this with an omnitool. The emergency respirators were lost in the crash. Their only trauma kit had gone with Liam. But she didn’t think Liam had been thrown from the tower like she and her father had. Her father! He could do something. Sara tried feebly to turn her head and find Alec, to get his attention somehow.

_When did my head become so heavy?_ Sara couldn’t recall. She could see her father now, a few feet to her left. He was yelling into his comms but she couldn’t hear the words. Every breath seemed to fill her chest with lead until she could barely move. Her lungs were on fire, but nothing could quench the burning, every gasp only made her body more and more desperate for oxygen. 

Through the gathering darkness her father leaned over her with an expression she’d never seen him wearing before; fear.

Her breaths were becoming weaker, shallower. Her chest felt so heavy and hot that her lungs struggled to expand. _I’m going to die here,_ the thought floated by blearily and she wanted to rage at its uselessness. She wanted to scream: _not yet, not yet, not yet!_

But black spots were consuming her vision until all she could see was the shadow of Alec Ryder looming over her. She fancied she could see her life playing out before her in the darkness where his eyes should have been. Every moment of it swirled around, all the love and the pain and the anger bleeding together in a wild cacophony. Was this all she would ever be? _I’m so sorry Scott. You’ll be all alone_. Darkness was creeping over her and Sara dreaded the silence that lay in its wake.

She could no longer feel the breeze on her cheeks. She could no longer see her father. She didn’t feel the fire or pain, just a coldness that crept up her extremities and into her chest. It almost felt nice compared to the burning, like flipping to the cool side of a pillow. The ringing in her ears had stopped and Sara fell away into an emptiness, her last impression was of her father’s labored breathing.

And then there was nothing.

  
  
  
  
  
  


And then there was pain.

  
  
  


* * * * * * * * * * * * *

  
  


The weird, bloodthirsty aliens were retreating again and it definitely wasn’t because they were outnumbered. _Not good._ Liam adjusted his grip on his rifle nervously. He didn’t like it. There were only four of them they’d taken the tower in less than twenty minutes. The locals hadn’t really tried to take the tower back. It was more like they were just reminding them that they were still there. Like they were just watching them, waiting to see what they would do. A shimmer in the air caught his attention.

“DOGS!” Ryder cried over the comms just in time for a four legged beast to tackle him into some crates and onto the ground.

The slobbering monster had Liam pinned and it’s jaws were snapping furiously over him. Liam had his arms wedged under the thing’s throat, pushing with all his strength to keep the teeth from snapping into something important like his throat. Liam glanced at his belt to check for his combat knife but the thing’s breath was fogging up his visor so bad he could barely see past it. A flash of blue haloed the teeth above him and Liam felt the air ripple around him in that strange way it does when a biotic is messing with the gravity around you. Ryder’s charge connected with the beast, the force of it tore around him and claws raked across his chest piece as the beast was sent flying out over the edge of the platform.

“You alright Kosta?” Ryder panted, holding out a hand to help him up. Breathing heavily, he accepted it and pulled himself up onto a pair of slightly shaky legs.

“Oh... I’m wonderful. Think I might... try to adopt one. Real cute with the cloaking and the.. Teeth.” Liam huffed out in between breaths. His snark won him a snort and a big goofy grin from his teammate. _Worth it_. He put his hands on his knees for a moment to catch his breath.

“Watch it guys! I think they’re coming in for another push!” Harper commanded over the comms. Liam’s head snapped up at that and he quickly bent to pick up his rifle from the ground.

“Kosta get down!” Ryder shouted. An alien had seemingly popped into existence directly next to him and Sara grabbed Liam by the shoulder, using biotics to give him a shove away from the edge of the platform. Ryder was too close to get her rifle up before the alien saw an opening and used a wicked looking dagger to stab down into Ryder’s arm. She made a sound that was somewhere between a grunt and a shout as the blade slipped between her shoulder plating. Hands flaring blue, Ryder grabbed the alien by the collar and slammed him into the ground with a biotic nova. The alien impacted with a sickening crunch. It didn’t get up.

Liam already had his gun up and was firing before Ryder swung back into cover next to him. Another alien had jumped from cover to get closer during the distraction. There were six maybe seven of them scattered further down the platform. Liam fired at the two on the right that were closest, pushing them back towards the others into a group.

“Grenade out” Ryder shouted. 

Her grenade landed between the feet of one of the two guys Liam had been firing at. They both tried leap backwards out of range. The slower one went down with the blast, but the other jumped into cover with his friends creating a nice cluster of hostiles.

“Overloading!” Liam brought up his omnitool and sent out an electrical pulse that rooted them to the spot for a few breaths. But that was all the time that Ryder needed to fling herself over the barricade at them and come crashing down in the middle slamming the ground with her fist as waves of irregular gravity pulsed out from her. The force threw three of them immediately off the platform and down the mountain. The last one didn’t last much longer when Ryder stabbed him viciously through the neck with the dagger she must have pulled out of her own arm. Liam swung his rifle around to provide cover fire on the three that remained on the lower level throwing out incendiaries and firing into them. The chaos caused them to flee in all different directions.

“They’re pulling back again!” Ryder hollered as she threw herself back towards the barricade that Liam was crouched behind. As she landed Liam glanced over to get a look at her,

“You alright? That knife looked pretty nasty.” As he said it, she held out her right arm where the knife had punctured her shoulder. It didn’t look great but the medigel had already stanched the bleeding.

“I’ll be fine. It got caught on my shoulder pad, didn’t hit any major arteries, didn’t hit bone.” She gave him a tired looking grin to reassure him. With a wink, she held up the dagger that had done the job, “Sweet knife though.” This time it was Liam’s turn to snort. He rolled his eyes as he turned back to the empty ramp with an exasperated exclamation of “Ryders” as if that were all that needed saying.

“You Ryder’s are all nuts did you know that?” Harper remarked over the comms. Alec and Sara both scoffed.

“Got it!” The Pathfinder triumphed and then, “Damn the doors jammed. Sara get over here and help me with this.” Immediately, the younger Ryder straightened up.

“Do me a favor Kosta and don’t go picking up anymore strays while I’m gone?” She gave Liam a good natured slap to the shoulder before sprinting back towards the Pathfinder. Liam smirked at her back before turning again to the ramp.

But it seemed that she wouldn’t have to worry about him picking up strays afterall. While he listened to the Ryder’s struggle with the door Liam caught sight of several airships picking up squads of aliens and pulling them out.

“It looks like our friends are pulling out.” Liam remarked.

“Keep your eyes up Kosta.” Harper ordered sounding concerned. “I don’t like this Alec. It’s too easy.”

“Glad I’m not the only one.” Liam said quietly.

“Do you really think you can interface with this thing?” Sara was talking to Alec.

“I don’t know. SAM’s only decoded part of the language.” They both grunted over the comms and a deep metallic groan issued from behind Liam. He could feel the platform vibrating underneath him.

“Now let’s see if we can have a conversation.” Alec spoke easily.

“Nothing else here has been friendly… just be careful.” Sara sounded uneasy. Liam found he wished he could see what they were seeing.

“Worried for your old man huh? Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.” Alec chuckled and Sara made an indignant snort. Harper and Liam both stifled a laugh.

“SAM begin translating.”

“A moment… Indexing… Translation complete.”

“Let’s see what we have.”

“Alec…” Cora cautioned. There were a few moments of heavy silence. Liam could hear a whirring through the comms and then a long hiss. The whole platform seemed to vibrate underneath him and a loud crack came from the tower. Liam looked up to see a pulse of blue light launch from the structure and into the storm center which ignited the sky in an eerie blue glow. When it dissipated, the black churning clouds at the center of the storm had disappeared entirely. The cracks of lightning were gone and gaps formed in the clouds across the sky. Sun began pouring from them. Liam looked out over the edge of the platform completely awestruck, _this is incredible._

“Wow…” murmured Harper sounding as dazed as Liam felt.

“I’ll be damned. It actually worked...” Sara voiced quietly.

“There’s hope at least.” Alec’s voice carried the weight off all their fears.

“That’s all anyone back home is looking for. Hope that it’ll work out.” Sara said solemnly.

“Please tell me that was you guys.” Fisher’s voice came on over the comms apprehensively. 

Liam had a sudden delirious urge to laugh hysterically and a choked laugh escaped before he could suppress it. It was quiet for a moment and then there was laughing all around him. He could hear everyone chuckling over the comms. It was bizarre and indescribably wonderful. 

_Finally something good._

A sound like an explosion in slow motion filled Liam’s head. It was so loud that it felt almost physical, like a weight bearing down on them. It had no source, it just felt everywhere. Then, several loud bangs sounded off in quick succession. With each crash the platform shook so violently that Liam was forced from his feet and fell painfully onto his side, bouncing off the ground with each resounding crack. After a fourth and final BOOM, the ground stilled and the overwhelming noise died, leaving only a loud ringing in his ears.

Liam lifted his head cautiously to look for the others. About fifty feet away, Harper was on her stomach pushing up onto an elbow. Between them Sara was on her knees cradling her, now bleeding, right arm. Alec was on his hands and knees next to her, trying to catch his breath. Liam pushed himself up to his feet quickly and fought a wave of nausea. Before he could even form words, a thick grey cloud of debris exploded from the base of the tower and engulfed Sara and Alec. The blast of air was so heavy that it pushed Liam backwards a few feet before he ignited his jump jets to steady himself. He could feel the platform groan beneath them..

“We gotta get out of here! The platform is giving out!” Liam shouted over the ringing in his ears. He pushed forward a few steps to grab hold of a railing.

“RYDER!” Cora’s voice broke over the comms.

Liam’s eyes snapped up in time to see Sara take a large piece of debris to the chest. Alec grabbed her hand but was ripped free from the railing he had a hold of. Time stopped for an instant as Liam watched in horror. They both were flung backwards by the blast coming from the tower. Sara flipped through the air, landing roughly on her stomach. Her hand reached wildly for Alec as he tumbled past but his arm slipped through her fingers. The Pathfinder flew right over the edge of the platform and disappeared from view. Sara managed to snag the edge of the floor grating with her injured arm.

“HOLD ON SARA!” Liam shouted and looked down at his belt for his emergency kit. It was gone, lost somewhere on this god forsaken planet. “SARA JUST HOLD ON!”

Liam looked back to her one last time before her bloodied arm failed and she was thrown helplessly into open air. Then she too was gone.

“SARA!” Liam shouted after her, “SARA!”

“LIAM WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.. GET BACK TO THE SHUTTLE!” Harper grunted as she used her jump jets to boost away from the gale still coming out of the tower. 

_Right. Escape. Back to the shuttle. We need the shuttle to help them now._ Liam did his best to compartmentalize, do things one task at a time. Harper had already boosted out of the blast zone and was sprinting back around the platform. Liam pushed off his railing and used his boosters to anchor himself on the wall of the ramp leading down and around the tower. The ground was vibrating dangerously underneath him. _If I don’t get off this thing soon I’ll go down the mountain with it._ Several more boosts forward and he escaped the turbulence behind him.

His muscles were starting to shake from the effort. Liam forced himself to stop thinking and just move, instinct pushed him to run and jump and boost as fast as he could to get away from the danger. Dodging around forgotten crates, Liam leaped over the chasm of the retracted bridge. 

He lost his footing again as a shudder ran up the structure. Suddenly the ground underneath him was tilting. Liam pushed off the ground and boosted into a sprint as the supports under him creaked and groaned and gave way with an oddly mild pop. Liam hit solid ground with a grunt. Behind him the entire platform seemed to slide away from the tower, metal and glass twisting and shattering as it came apart. The vibrations from the platform seemed to be reverberating under the ground as well. _Did we cause an earthquake?_

Harper was already sprinting ahead of him back through the big vault-like doors that blocked off the area, all the while shouting orders into the comms,

“Pathfinder is down. Repeat: Ryder One is down. Fisher get that shuttle running NOW! Greer you fly copilot. Harry strap Hayes in and prep the trauma kit. ETA 1 minute for Kosta and I.”

“Cora what happened?!” Harry shouted. Neither Cora nor Liam responded as they ran back over the rocky terrain that separated them from the shuttle. Instead Harper pulled up her omnitool to try and get a reading on the Ryders’ location.

“Alec this is Harper. Do you copy? Alec do you copy?” Static. “SAM give me a status update on the Pathfinder!” More static. “SAM do you copy?” Silence.

As he and Harper sprinted around a corner the shuttle came into view and a voice crackled through the static on their comms.

“Cora, this … Pathfinder. We need an…ency extraction… I repeat, we ne… emergency extraction.”

“They’re spinning up the shuttle! ETA three maybe, maybe four minutes!” Cora responded quickly as they both boarded the shuttle. Liam’s stomach twisted uncomfortably as they waited for a response through the static.

“We don’t have that long.” Alec said solemnly. Liam heard it then, quietly at first and then a little louder as Alec must have moved closer; gasping. Sara’s breathing sounded shallow and uneven. _Oh God.._

“Get the shuttle up NOW!” Cora shouted as they closed the shuttle door behind them.

‘SAM what are the coordinates?” Fisher asked from the flight console.

“Updating navpoint.” SAM replied in his eerie montone. Sara made a few wheezing gasps and then her breathing turned into shallow pants.

“Cora… I’m sorry” Alec’s voice was heavy and resolved.

“Alec what’re you..?” Cora stopped when a hiss sounded over the comms, “ALEC NO!” Sara’s panting breaths were suddenly much louder.

“SAM.. initiate.. Transfer…” He gasped in a breath, “Please… take care of them…Sara… I’m sorry…Sara...” He was too far away now they could barely hear more than a few quiet mumbles. Sara let in a shuddering wheeze and then that too went quiet.

“DAMNIT ALEC!” Harry was running to the display at the back of the shuttle. A few swipes pulled up the pathfinder team’s status. Kirkland’s red flatline was all Liam could focus on for a moment when he looked at it. _This can’t be happening._

“Fisher we need to get down there now!” Cora shouted from behind Greer, her hands clenched around the edge of the shuttle wall.

“Sara can you hear me? Sara do you have an emergency kit on you? Sara do you copy?” Harry’s calm voice quieted the blood rushing in Liam’s ears.

“Harry, we both lost our kits when we were thrown from the shuttle.” Liam said quietly. Harry held his eyes for a moment at that, as the heavy realization settled over them. But he quickly shook himself free of it and turned sharply back to the display.

“SAM I need an injury report on Alec and Sara!” Harry turned back to the trauma kit to prep his equipment. There was silence.

“SAM?” Harry asked again. An odd rattling sound started on the other end of the comms. Liam jumped when alarms blared on the console. His eyes snapped back to the display where two red lines ran across the screen and a yellow one danced sporadically.

“Alec’s gone into cardiac arrest! Liam grab the AED!” Liam crossed the shuttle, stumbled a bit when the floor shuddered underneath him, and then ripped the cover off the AED cabinet. He pulled it free and then tossed it across the cabin to Harry. Who set about strapping it into his trauma kit. Liam choked back some bile as he attempted to unfold one of the stretchers from the cabinet at the back. 

The 2 minutes and 39 seconds that it took to fly the shuttle to SAM’s coordinates were some of the longest few minutes of Liam’s life. His hands shook from the adrenaline and he felt too cold and too hot all at once. He tried his best to help Harry but he kept staring at the display that showed Alec’s flat line and Sara’s yellow irregular heart rate flashing out at them. He’d never felt so useless in his life.

“I’m setting her down hold on to something!” Fisher yelled over his shoulder. Liam grabbed at a handle on the wall and turned to see the wreckage of the platform strewn across a hillside. The shuttle doors opened as they jolted to the ground, Cora and Harry already leaping out. Liam jumped out after them, still clutching one of the stretchers.

_Alec can’t die. He’s an N7. He cannot die. We need him._ Liam came to an abrupt halt when he spotted them some ten feet away. There was blood, lots of it. Alec was crumpled into the ground, lying awkwardly over one arm. Some of the blood trailed in from the left and pooled under Alec’s outstretched leg. His other arm was in front of him, a hand laying across Sara’s abdomen. Sara who was convulsing. That odd rattling being broadcast over the comms suddenly made much more sense. Liam had seen people have seizures before, but this… This was no seizure.

Every muscle in her body was twitching sporadically. The inside of her helmet, Alec’s helmet, was covered in blood, hiding half her face from view. The blood soaked the dirt in a twisted sort of halo around her head. Sara’s helmet was lying about three feet from him, it’s visor completely shattered. The right side of the helmet was crushed inwards. A light trail of blood lead from the helmet back towards Alec’s prone form as if he’d thrown it away from him. Liam shook his head and took a step back.

“Dear god.” he breathed frozen until Cora yanked on his arm roughly, pulling him forward.

“Move it Kosta!” She pressed. She let go of his arm and ran towards them. Harry was already at their sides shifting Alec away from Sara as he gave a cursory examination of her injuries. Liam was barely aware of what he was doing as he helped Harry stabilize Sara on the stretcher. When she was strapped in Greer moved in to help the doc carry her back towards the shuttle. Liam turned back to Cora and helped her with Alec’s too pale body.

The moment the doors were closed on the shuttle they were away. Orders were given to prep the Hyperion Med Bay. Harry was already pulling the helmet off Sara and tossing it aside. Liam kneeled at Alec’s side and immediately began CPR while Cora yanked at the straps of his armour to get his chest clear enough for them to place the AED pads. Liam counted out steadily with each compression. _Ten, eleven, twelve…._ He could hear Harry shouting at SAM as he pulled Sara’s armour off. _Twenty, twenty one, twenty two…_ Cora was finished with the buckles on Alec’s arms just as Liam hit 30 and turned to deliver two rescue breaths. Cora yanked the plate away from his chest and use the medical sheers to rip his undersuit open down to the navel. Liam moved back over Alec’s chest and continued giving chest compressions as Cora moved around him to place the pads on his bare skin. _One, two, three, four, five…_

“Clear!” he commanded as Cora finished placing the pads. He set the machine .

“Analyzing” came the VI on the AED. “Shock advised.” Liam pulled back as the machine instructed, “Stand back!” A jolt went through him and Liam immediately fell back into rhythm with his chest compressions.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat over Alec, hoping against hope that his heart would start beating again and doing his best to ignore the blood that pooled under Alec’s leg. By the time someone pulled him away to swap places, they were back on the Hyperion. People moved in all directions, Alec was being rushed off towards the med bay, Sara’s gurney was disappearing down a different corridor for some reason, and Liam sat on the floor of the shuttle with his eyes locked on Alec’s bloodied helmet. 

Time slipped away.

At some point someone placed a blanket over his shoulders and sat down next to him. For a few minutes Liam couldn’t even look at them. He was afraid that if he turned his eyes away from the helmet, if he unclenched his fists, or tried to open his mouth he’d lose it. _This is all we have. The people and things we brought with us. Can’t go back. No backwards. Only forwards. Where is forwards? How do we find forwards?_

After some time spent simply trying to breath normally, Liam finally let his eyes slip to the person beside him. It was Harry. He had stripped down to only his undersuit. There was blood staining his hands and forearms. And he looked tired. Liam had seen that look before. After the adrenaline fades and the shock settles in all that's left is that bone deep weariness. Liam was suddenly terrified of what Harry might say. Of where that would leave them. _Where do we go from here?_

Harry let out a breath like he’d been holding it and then looked down at his hands.

“Sara’s alive.” He murmured, like he couldn’t quite believe it. Liam leaned his head back against the shuttle wall and let out a shaky breath. After his initial thought of: _Thank god_ , Liam opened his eyes and locked onto the black helmet laying on its side across from him.

“What about Alec?” But Liam felt like he already knew the answer. Harry’s silence was all the confirmation he needed. Liam wrenched his eyes away from the helmet and looked out the door to the rest of the docking bay. He watched the skeleton crew of engineers who’d been woken up to prep their shuttles move about the bay for a few seconds before he closed his eyes and leaned his head back up against the shuttle wall. He let loose a long exhale before he said,

“Well. Shit.”

  
  


* * * * * * * * * * * * *

  
  


Sara Ryder was trying very hard to remember how to breathe correctly. Words were being thrown around her like drops of cold rain. She could feel the impact of each one with a shock that chilled her to the bone but none of it was coherent. Words like ‘sacrificed’ and ‘dead’ skittered around the inside of her head until Sara wanted to put her hands over her ears and scream until it stopped. Maybe she already was screaming and no one else could hear it over the words that echoed around SAM node.

Lexi and Harry stood closest to her, speaking in soothing voices that felt like sandpaper in her ears. Liam stood a few paces to her right with an expression that could have possibly been taken for reassuring if not for the arms he wrapped so tightly across his chest, as if he hoped to protect himself in some small way. Cora stood furthest away from her and looked like she couldn’t decide whether she wanted to hit something or cry. Sara could see her entire body tense every few seconds as if she were trying very hard not to pace.

Cora’s anger was probably the only comforting thing in the room to Sara. It was the only thing that made sense. Anger was the only emotion that Sara could define with any sort of clarity. It rose out of the haze of shock and gripped her heart like a vice. Her hands tightened on the rough blankets beneath her. Sara cast her eyes wildly around the room. The many eyes in the room made her shoulders twitch in an effort not to rip the leads from her arm and run away.

Her eyes caught on a small black object that sat on the table to her left. Someone had brought her father’s N7 helmet into SAM node and laid it out next to her like some sick sort of offering. The black, uncracked visor whispered all those meaningless words at her.

_Dead for forty six seconds._

_It was either him or you._

_Dead._

_Why?_

_He’s dead._

_Why would he do this?_

_You know why._

_There all gone now._

_No air to breath. You were dying, dying, dead._

_Either him or you._

_One more Ryder left behind._

_You’re all going to die with him._

_Dead._

_Him or you._

Sara felt like she was suffocating all over again. Air went into her lungs but it didn’t feel like she was breathing. Her hands clawed at her throat, at her collar, at her chest. The helmet laughed at her as two sets of hands wrestled her arms away from her. Sara struggled to rip herself free. Couldn’t they tell she was suffocating? That she was dying again? She was certain they were trying to calm her down with their soothing voices but it just made her want to scream more. But she was screaming. She just hadn’t noticed. Her voice cracked and wailed and she screamed at them. Why? Why? Why? 

Her eyes burned like her lungs. Fire burned up her arm where the leads were tied in. She started to feel heavy again like she had when she was dying. Alec had leaned over her and she’d looked at his eyes. But it wasn’t Alec Ryder’s eyes that peered at her now. These eyes were warm and brown not cold and grey. They were held by tanned skin and laugh lines. Harry had kind eyes. 

“Why did he do this Harry? How could he do this?” Sara asked the kind eyes. Harry’s voice reached her from somewhere far away,

“I don’t know Sara. I don’t know.” 

Sara was glad that Harry didn’t lie to her. There was nothing helpful about lies, even if the truth was just as useless. The hands gently guided her back onto the rough sheets of the gurney. Sara clutched at the arms that held her like they could keep her from drowning in those sheets.

“They’re all gone now. All of them. Gone.” Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she clung to Harry. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this. We were supposed to have time. I promised Mom. I promised Scott.” 

Sara was swimming in the rough sheets again. Harry was leaned awkwardly over her with one arm trapped in Sara’s vice-like grip and the other gently smoothing her hair down. Sara knew she should let Harry go, she knew she was probably hurting him. But if she let him go then she’d drown in the rough sheets and the words still whispering from that damned helmet. But her arms were becoming too heavy. Her fingers were too clumsy to hold on to the doctor. Her head lulled to the side and she stared at the empty helmet.

Sara was distantly aware that a litany of soft apologies was falling like rain from her lips. She wasn’t sure what she was apologizing for; all the broken promises, for being all that’s left, for the decision Alec made for all of them. But the apologies just kept falling.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…. My fault… It shouldn’t have been me.. Not me… I’m sorry, so sorry.” Her head turned, or did someone else do that? She was facing Harry again, his kind eyes belied by the frown that pulled at the rest of his face. Sara didn’t want to see the frown but a firm hand, someone had moved her, kept her from turning away.

“Sara look at me.” It sounded like an order. The soldier in Sara snapped to attention almost without her consent. “None of this is your fault, Sara. None of it. You did nothing wrong.” He spoke the words slowly and pointedly, so that Sara would hear them and understand. But how could she believe them? She started to shake her head. But Harry held fast. “Sara what do you do when your back is against the wall?” The words hurt but they hit home and the reply fell from her almost unconsciously.

“Use it.” Harry nodded at her his hand smoothing through her hair again. “You use it.”

“That’s right Sara, that’s right.”Alec had put them against the wall this time. His final taunt. Sara was left to pick up the pieces and carry them. SAM spoke eerily in her head again as the darkness pulled at her. _Alec would have wanted us to use this pain to strengthen our resolve._ The message was clear; use the wall Sara, use the wall. It was the last thought she had before she fell into an uneasy sleep.


End file.
